Everyone wants a decent sleep but not everyone gets it.

I guess staying awake for hours on end leaves you as a more observant type of person but then again I suppose lack of sleep leaves you in the state of mind where you see things more clearly because your not really seeing them. Its that state of subconscious thinking when you’re able to see things in a different light. You could say that’s how the concept of schizophrenia kicks in, the whole separate personalities in one body thing.

No one really understands that state, you know when you just lay there, your eyes glazed over, when you don’t actually care about or realise anything that’s going on around you. You’re just a living vegetable, with a pathetic meaningless life; then again that’s everybody really. Everybody is a pathetic meaningless vegetable… they just walk and talk and nothing good ever comes from it, Guess that’s why I’m more up front.

For the twenty-one years I’ve lived on this planet all I’ve seen in six billion loser’s trying to find the fastest way off of it, I mean I noticed it when I was in that whole ‘subconscious’ state. Humans just drink, smoke, take drugs, get laid, kill each other, and kill themselves and what for? Just to get out, just to end the maze that they’ve got themselves into. They all know they’re going to die anyway, I know I’m going to die anyway and when I do I guess it’d be a relief from the internal torture I suffer.

It’s hard when he talks to me, he is the type of person who could turn a person insane in seconds make them do things that they wouldn’t even dream of doing. Or at least that’s the effect on me he has. Each time he talks to me he seems to push my boundaries a little bit more and with that leaves external scarring, you know the physical type.

So there we are, sitting there together and when he says ‘ull it’ I know I want to but it’s the whole process of actually doing it. The cold metal is pushed against the side of my head and my fingers are quivering. He says he’ll help me and I don’t doubt him for a second. I just wonder if the help will be any good. Then the back of my subconscious thought tells me that his help will have a big impact, exactly the type I need. So I let him pull the trigger. I let him and then I remember why I should of taken those tablets. I remember why infact that keeping him away was good thing. I guess blowing my brains out was that relief from the internal torture that I suffer.